Why Ellen DeGeneres Should Adopt Me

I was tagged by the lovely Jelena from Social Fatality to do the 11 Questions tag, but I’m going to switch it up a bit. Instead of answering all eleven, I decided to just answer my favorites.

If you could teleport to your favorite celebrity’s house, what would you do?

If I was blessed with the power to teleport, you best bet that I would first go crazy. I’d travel the world, freak out some people by popping in and out, and never participate in any form of physical activity again. YAY. I’d try to find others like me, create a clan, and save the world if possible. Hey, maybe I’d also be involved in a mystical being relationship finally.

Once the hype of my new-found powers die out, I will teleport to the home of Her Highness, Ellen DeGeneres. After rummaging through her fridge, swimming in her pool (I don’t know if she has a pool, I’m just going off of rich stereotypes here), “borrowing” a couple souvenirs here and there, I’d then plead with Ellen and Portia to adopt* me with a very convincing list of reasons whilst dancing around her house.

Black & White

Top (dress): Forever 21 - $20
Skirt: Forever 21 - $15
Shoes: Keds - $35

How to Fake Being Rich

Unless you're a long lost Kardashian or an heir to the throne of Genovia, chances are you're nowhere close to being rich. Because actually working hard and earning money is such a hassle, your best bet for a luxurious life is just to fake it!  

- Just because you're a mere commoner doesn't mean you can't tell people that you are a long lost Kardashian or the next ruler of Genovia. No one should question you because of the strategic "long lost" phrase and the mention of a fictitious country should be believable enough. Add roman numerals and accents to your name to seem extra important.  

How to Attract Guys

I know this fountain of knowledge is high on demand so let's get to the point.

- Wear something boys will be attracted to, i.e. your favorite vegetable. Who wouldn't want to hook up with the voluptuous Red Onion? Extra points for committing to wear it for the rest of your life.

- The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Make sure to constantly make an effort to rub, caress, and pat his stomach often. Take the time to stare lovingly at that beautiful digestive sac of his.

Why I Hate JLo

I know there are probably a plethora of JLo shirt-wearing, "Jenny From the Block"-singing fans out there, but I am simply not one of them.

Reason #1

She ALWAYS has a white guy as a love interest in ALL her movies*. This is super suspicious because she's been in a billion movies where she's always some precious Latina flower or something that happens to pick up an affluent white guy, and his family struggles with accepting her culture. How is it, that in all the different movies, with all the different story lines (debatable), with all the different guys auditioning, her male lead is ALWAYS white. It's a conspiracy, I'm telling you. JLo obviously has a fetish for white guys and is manipulating her directors into casting one.

Human Bridges Are Not a Good Idea

Sophomore year Theatre we were instructed to perform an exercise. (Team building exercises never go well.)

Two chairs were set up and each team had a build a human bridge connecting them for a person to walk over. It's hard to imagine, but the finished "human bridge" looks like some sort of odd, sexual-tetris game.

Of course being the lightest student, I was chosen to embark on the trek over people. This was unfortunate for me being so anti-touching, but I bravely put aside my urge to hide in a corner and accepted the quest.

The human bridge was constructed and I stood about to take my first step.

I'm not really sure what I was thinking at the time; I just wanted to get across and forget my feet ever touched humans.

But I took my first step. Instead of aiming for the guy's back though, my foot went for his legs...and my foot being crazy thin, slipped right in and my entire leg fell in between his. And we were stuck... scissoring for like 4 seconds.

Please, You're Ten

The bus.
The worst time of my life.
You see, on my bus in particular, it's not just the lack of sanitation and discomfort that displeases me, it's the people. Or should I say, the children.

Here I am, trying to save the planet and all by forcing myself to tolerate the mass of odd-looking bugs (creatures with more than two legs and don't look like humans freak me out), ignoring the fact that there are ABSOLUTELY NO SEATBELTS (Come on! Safety first!), and melting in my frequently misfortunate clothing decisions, not to mention I have to deal with them. There's a reason why I practically leap out the door at my stop.

Today for Lunch: Man-Handling With a Side of Confusion

For some reason, my life has been plagued by awkwardness.

Not the kind of awkward used in everyday slang when there’s an “awkward silence” or something. I mean TRULY awkward.Take a normal cafeteria; nothing entirely uncomfortable would happen to anyone there. Except me.

The day was seemingly normal and uneventful. Lunch came and there I was standing in The Longest

Line In Existence, going about my day, minding my own business. You know, casual student apathy.

I notice a person in the corner of my eye trying to disrespectfully weasel his way in front of me. That PEEVED ME OFF. I can’t stand line cutters; they are the low-lives of society. I had sped walked like crazy to get to the OTHER FREAKIN' WING of school for a decent spot in line, so I DESERVE my spot. It’s not like the cafeteria food is beautifully delicious or anything that I have to resort to actual physical activity and resultant mouth-breathing, but I still want to eat nonetheless. Anyone who cuts in line and pretends they actually want to talk to the person in front of me will be forever labeled as rude and annoying.

How to: Valentines Shmalentines

It's that time of year again, unfortunately. For us single (and gorgeous) people, Valentine's Day is just horrid. Lucky for you, there are a few ways of approaching and surviving this yearly anathema.

                1. Be happy! Yay for the couples who crowd our hallways with obnoxious (and most likely temporary) displays of their "love" for each other. Yay for the kids who buy "their women" aka 16 year old girls, the most expensive and ostentatious items to show off how well they treat girls (from stuffed animals meaning "I'm such a sweetheart" to jewelry meaning "Marry me. I shall father our future children like no other”). Have a "girl's night out"! Frolic in unsatisfying friendships! Yipee!

                2. Soul search. Valentine's Day is the perfect time to spot out fellow singletons, just look for the emotionally unstable. The more upset they are, the better chance you have! Even though the only people you'll find alone anywhere on Valentine's are alone for a reason, you're probably desperate and will date anyone. Because they're probably thinking the same thing about you, you might have to resort to being your own valentine. To fill the empty void, buy yourself something special. It's not like anyone else would anyways :(

How to Dance and/or Look Normal While Doing it

 I bet when you saw that title and you got confused. How would I, someone who's basically never been to a dance let alone allow myself to dance in public, hint that I'm going to teach incompetent people how to dance?* Well, aren't YOU judgmental. Even though when I dance my friends don't even take the time to think of a clever insult and end up sternly telling me to "stop" and my gawky arms may not give an impression of "Dance God" , I can totally dance--pssh.(Or so I tell myself between my quiet sobs at night.)

Whether you've figured it out yourself (unlikely) or EVERYONE has told you so (most likely), you've figured out that you can't dance either. I know, it hurts. All those times of believing you'd be next in line of awesome dancers behind your childhood idol Britney Spears are all lies from your parents. Sadly, no amount of Youtube tutorials will help you. But I might be able to.*

As a gangly anti-social teenager, I think I'm quite qualified to teach people how to dance--er, fake dancing at least. From my extensive knowledge through numerous books and very vivid dreams, I know the key to looking like you can dance. More specifically, I know what NOT to do.

How to Get Out of a Test

With the end of the school year winding down, tests are at an all time high. Of course none of us want to actually study for a test, pssh, so here are some tips to pass your next test.

- Purchase a swanky gift to give to your teacher the morning of. Buying your teacher nice stuff will definitely put them in a good mood when grading your test. Remember to go big or go home. All teachers enjoy the occasional roasted duck/Porsche/foreign baby.

- Clone yourself and blackmail your clone into taking the test for you with your darkest secret. No one will know the difference. While your clone is forced to take the test, go on and take the day off from school to relax.

- Spend the morning of solving a scandalous murder mystery or stopping a robbery. Your teachers will understand your dedication to the community and forgive your test scores. What can I say, helping humanity > taking a test.

How to Make Friends

Friendships are hard to make. They take time. So I, naturally the most popular girl EVER, am here to help.

Making friends is easy! Just follow these steps.

                Step 1: Choose a victim--er-- potential candidate. They should be appealing and have benefits you could take total advantage of. (If they have friends, BONUS; YOU'LL have friends.)

                Step 2: Familiarize yourself with their internet profiles. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest; if they got it, you can see it! Be sure to memorize their deets: name, date of birth, family members, social security number, etc. The more the better.

                Step 3: Start pretending to like things they like. They love bungee jumping? YOU love bungee jumping. They love their boyfriend/girlfriend? YOU love their boyfriend/girlfriend. What can I say, sharing is caring. Don't try being yourself, because face it, yourself isn't friends with them. Am I right or am I right?!