Jan 2, 2015

How to Make Friends

Friendships are hard to make. They take time. So I, naturally the most popular girl EVER, am here to help.

Making friends is easy! Just follow these steps.
                Step 1: Choose a victim--er-- potential candidate. They should be appealing and have benefits you could take total advantage of. (If they have friends, BONUS; YOU'LL have friends.)

                Step 2: Familiarize yourself with their internet profiles. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest; if they got it, you can see it! Be sure to memorize their deets: name, date of birth, family members, social security number, etc. The more the better.

                Step 3: Start pretending to like things they like. They love bungee jumping? YOU love bungee jumping. They love their boyfriend/girlfriend? YOU love their boyfriend/girlfriend. What can I say, sharing is caring. Don't try being yourself, because face it, yourself isn't friends with them. Am I right or am I right?!

                Step 4: Alter your appearance. People tend to socialize with others of the same level of attractiveness, so try your best to steal their look in any way you can. Pay attention to details. Details are EVERYTHING. Imitate hair partings, clothing trends, what car they drive, etc. Steal their look literally by taking hair samples, clothing, and other items. It's not creepy if it's out of admiration. If there is any hesitation about whether or not you guys are clones, YOU ARE NOT DOING ENOUGH.

                Step 5: Use every opportunity to talk to them. Weasel your way into their social circles. Add input and comments whenever there is a moment of silence. Reactions help! Practice typical facial expressions in the mirror like "She's so thirsty", "I hate Nickleback*", and "I'm so sorry your cat died." If you're ever confused about what to say or what expression to portray and there's a silent moment, take the opportunity and laugh. Laughing is a sign of friendliness. Laugh like a crazy madman, trust me, they'll like it.

                Step 6: Meet their parents. There's nothing that says "Serious Friendship" like meeting the parentals. Try to befriend them as well by calling them "Mom" and "Dad". Be the family.

                Step 7: Steal their identity. Face it, there's no point for them anymore; you are them. Why not steal their lives, no one will notice the difference. Making it legal is even better. Just remember the basement door should be locked at all times.


Well, I hope that helped you antisocial children. Have fun and enjoy your life...Or should I say, THEIR life. *wink*


--
This post is from my Junior year of high school (My Glory Days) on my school's online newspaper. This old content will be labelled as Fetus Viviane for a glimpse into my 17 year old self.

*Nickleback's alright I guess

2 comments:

  1. Outrageous GlamourJan 17, 2015, 4:15:00 PM

    So this is why I have no friends, I've been doing it so wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Or probably your golden personality is just too intimidating for mere commoners.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for living in the fast lane and commenting, you cool kid you!