How to Attract Guys

I know this fountain of knowledge is high on demand so let's get to the point.

- Wear something boys will be attracted to, i.e. your favorite vegetable. Who wouldn't want to hook up with the voluptuous Red Onion? Extra points for committing to wear it for the rest of your life.

- The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Make sure to constantly make an effort to rub, caress, and pat his stomach often. Take the time to stare lovingly at that beautiful digestive sac of his.

- Touching is also a sign of affection, which guys crave. Your hands should be on his arms 24/7. Present-day technologies such as duct tape and crazy glue make affection simple!

- He'd also want to know you're dedicated to him. Get a face tattoo of his face on your forehead so he knows he's always on your mind, literally.

- Boys actually like smart girls. Take a moment to whisper sweet algorithms and the quadratic formula in his ear.

- Guys hate mind games. Tell him straight what you think about everything and anything. "I actually already know you have 2 brothers, I stalk you on social media. I also know you like 'going out of your way to step on a crunchy leaf', just like me! But I cannot continue this conversation until you know my political stance -- I'm Team Edward...I hope you can accept me for who I am for the sake of our future children...Wow, I'm actually talking to a real human boy!"

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If any of you try these tips, please let me know! I'm estimating a 99.7% success rate. To my male audience, how's the accuracy? Comment below!